11-16-2016, 12:07 AM
A simple word shatters at the thought (Interesting opening line)
of a million of lost connections (I would cut 'of' in 'of lost'
A million tightly twisted knots unravel {how about cutting 'a million'?)
The unintelligible mice of mind
Skitter scamper squeak
in overpowering commotion, (I would cut this line, inferred already)
Drowning out your own name
Three six five, just letters,
The meaning as fragile
As the fallibility of the mind
I find the last stanza to be too overwritten - why not use only the lines above?
An interesting and insightful work. Well done.
of a million of lost connections (I would cut 'of' in 'of lost'
A million tightly twisted knots unravel {how about cutting 'a million'?)
The unintelligible mice of mind
Skitter scamper squeak
in overpowering commotion, (I would cut this line, inferred already)
Drowning out your own name
Three six five, just letters,
The meaning as fragile
As the fallibility of the mind
I find the last stanza to be too overwritten - why not use only the lines above?
An interesting and insightful work. Well done.