Babal

[Lizzie]

Hello River I've got some thoughts for you:

Babal

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects -- ok, the Babylon issue: I understand what you're saying about the sonics, and I entirely missed that element in my reading. Personally, I think you're better off going with Babylon if that's the reference, because I did Google Babalon when I initially read the piece, and yes it brings up a whole philosophical system. It seems that you want to reference certain parts of that philosophy and disregard others, understandable. Problem is that the reader is not going to know which parts you're choosing, necessarily. If you choose Babalon, you need to be sure that you're guiding the reader precisely to which parts you want to reference.
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas. -- I like this stanza. It's clear without being over-explicated. The contrast between a promise and reality is good.

2 - Grave Old Men -- I'd probably recommend italicizing your "chapter headings" or do something else to set them apart -- using the dash to separate tricks me sometimes into thinking that those bits are part of the sentence following.
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood -- from 'the fact that' to 'in my youth' is extremely prosey, and needs to be restructured. I don't think you need 'in my youth' at all -- it's clear you're talking about childhood because you have 'as they raised me.' Structurally, I think that the flaw comes from making 'fact' the subject instead of 'knowledge.'
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses -- the sudden introduction of the students into the mix (never to be referenced again) feels odd. I understand what you're saying about getting a collection of poems together, and it could work if there are other poems which feature that element of your life. From 'Yet' to 'balm' also reads like prose.
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico.  -- maybe between two colonies? I'd say my Philippines since you name Mexico.

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat -- this stanza is beautiful and rich in imagery. This is the second time that you've broken a stanza on 'meat' which makes that word stand out.

is the sweetest sin, so when Lucifer
confused his craving for love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded, -- why only one eye?
his leg severed, yet by the doctor's hand -- this line through 'tied shut' loses me.

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man -- I think you should be more clear about why she's "God-hated" because it could be concluded that she's hated because of being a woman not because of being trans.
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet, -- Like with my comments on Babalon at the beginning, you're bringing up a big concept and not specifying in which elements you think woman is a child. I'm sure that Plato had many reasons -- are they your reasons? As a grace to your reader, I would make that reference more clear and say precisely where you see those parallels and why. Otherwise, you're leaving it to the reader to assume things.
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless? -- I only understand these lines because of your response to Todd above.

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, spread 
like pâté men across the earth. -- no idea.

---

I'd consider making this into an essay. Not because I think it would be a bad poem, but I think it's going to be harder to speak with specificity about these subjects in the context of a poem. But, who knows. That's just my take. Despite the dedication, the piece seems to be written to no one. It feels like a musing. I think, if this is to be a dedication, I'd bring it back around at the end to her and speak directly to her.

I hope this helps some. I look forward to reading more

lizziep