The Eternal Sunset

[Coquette16]

This is a beautiful poem! With a few adjustments, this would be a poem that would catch my attention immediately in a reading, book store, etc.

Regarding the rhyme/rhythm:
As I simply recorded the sounds at the end of each line, I came up with [long] iii, [long] aa, [long] i, [long] aaaa, [short] e, [long] a, [short] iiii. I think that some slight adjustments to this will make the rhyme more consistent and thus, affect the rhythm.

Throughout the poem, there isn't necessarily a hopeful tone, but a more decisive tone towards life, while not idealizing it/the speaker's choice. Death is recognized, but not feared. I like that about it.

Very nice

Hi, 



I wrote the following poem which has the theme of life and death. I would like some feedback especially regarding rhyme and rhythm, and whether the arguments I make for picking life over death makes sense to the readers. Thanks!

Most of man knows life as time,
but privy few know that ebbs and tides not shackled by time,
is what make life divine;
The eternal sunset on the horizon waves,
and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way,
and if past the sunset an inferno lies,
I would do good a deed and temper vice today;
And as muscle dies and senses fail,
and if the spirit withers away,
that I say is the worst of fates!
Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan:
it imitates, and masquerades;
For man’s torch can only flare and dim,
but remains a speck in a great abyss;
The eternal sunset comes closer still,
Should I live in wait or run to it with all my will?