11-14-2016, 03:19 AM
Starlight,
Overall, I really like the tone of the poem. It resonated with my current/passing emotional state---so, the reader connection has been made! Nice job!
Specifically, I noticed in line two that the word "of" seems unnecessary.
Does the thought shatter or the word? (Just a clarifying question for reflection.)
Perhaps choose another term to express the "million"...in fact, I think that the "tightly twisted knots unravel" is substantial enough to convey severity.
I like the "mice of mind" metaphor...when imagined, mice are always scampering, squeaking, etc. The image may have more impact without the declaration of "in overpowering commotion"; just progress to the last line (love it!).
"...the way they're ordered to..." throws off the voice of the poem a bit, as does the last line of the poem: without the "to it" for a more definitive end, maybe?
Overall, I like the tone of the poem.
Nice work!
Overall, I really like the tone of the poem. It resonated with my current/passing emotional state---so, the reader connection has been made! Nice job!
Specifically, I noticed in line two that the word "of" seems unnecessary.
Does the thought shatter or the word? (Just a clarifying question for reflection.)
Perhaps choose another term to express the "million"...in fact, I think that the "tightly twisted knots unravel" is substantial enough to convey severity.
I like the "mice of mind" metaphor...when imagined, mice are always scampering, squeaking, etc. The image may have more impact without the declaration of "in overpowering commotion"; just progress to the last line (love it!).
"...the way they're ordered to..." throws off the voice of the poem a bit, as does the last line of the poem: without the "to it" for a more definitive end, maybe?
Overall, I like the tone of the poem.
Nice work!
(11-09-2016, 10:32 AM)starlight Wrote: A simple word shatters at the thought
of a million of lost connections
A million tightly twisted knots unravel
The unintelligible mice of mind
Skitter scamper squeak
in overpowering commotion,
Drowning out your own name
Waiting for the day when numbers
order the way they're ordered to
Three six five, just letters,
The meaning as fragile
As the fallibility of the mind
That promised to hold on to it