11-12-2016, 10:16 AM
I found everything clear as day in the first and second edit, got the live music thing obv, if I didn't make that clear it was because it seemed obvious as it was so clearly put out there. Your reply amused me, a month on the first then a day on the second and to me it reads so much better! Such is writing. Though the time spent originally does show, as you grasp the form seemingly easily. The opening 4-6 lines are technically so much better and still make your point in the second, imo.
Prefer your suggestions, re: the last couplet, and "behind the smile" edits, already- they're stronger in terms of reading aloud and especially in leaving an open thought at the end, and in pushing the alter ego more on the reader (rather than just a live musician that has confidence in ability but overthinks putting himself out there/performing). I didn't grasp the alter ego part of it from original edits but those suggestions add it with clarity, go for them!
Hope to see a further edit, first effort at a sonnet explains sticking to form, really good first go at one too. Still cringey at "freaking", maybe just me
Be careful with those alter egos though... keep them up long enough you might just lose yourself!!
RBJ
Prefer your suggestions, re: the last couplet, and "behind the smile" edits, already- they're stronger in terms of reading aloud and especially in leaving an open thought at the end, and in pushing the alter ego more on the reader (rather than just a live musician that has confidence in ability but overthinks putting himself out there/performing). I didn't grasp the alter ego part of it from original edits but those suggestions add it with clarity, go for them!
Hope to see a further edit, first effort at a sonnet explains sticking to form, really good first go at one too. Still cringey at "freaking", maybe just me
Be careful with those alter egos though... keep them up long enough you might just lose yourself!!
RBJ