11-12-2016, 05:19 AM
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. >>> right out of the gate the image falls flat because its utter cliché
Carnivorous wants cloaked
in anxious whispers. >>> carnal desires being expressed? I say get down and dirty and give me something that is visually stimulating to represent what you're trying to tell...
Fluid familiar moves. >>> familiar to who? are we going aquatic?
The asynchrony of two explosions. >>> doesn't it seem that words like "explosion" in a passion setting etc. are for Hallmark?
A duet of gasps fading >>> trying to hard (obviously) to be poetic IMO
to ragged breaths. "ragged" in this context is just old and torn. I'd like something original and fresh...
A repeat of expected rapture >>> words like "rapture" are worthless IMO
but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her tightly. >>> this again is pushing the cliché peddle to the floor.
He wanted this to never end. >>> all in all, entirely too much tell + cliché and very little (if any) compelling imagery...
This?
No.
Her.
A new kind of explosion
rose from a whisper to a voice >>> rather than tell (which is very easy to do) why don't you work on this and find a way to convey via imagery this "new kind of explosion"
he never knew he had,
saying, while holding her happily >>> abstractions like "happily" are unfit for good poetry IMO
words he’d never said before. >>> OK, then actually use these words rather than tell about them...
Carnivorous wants cloaked
in anxious whispers. >>> carnal desires being expressed? I say get down and dirty and give me something that is visually stimulating to represent what you're trying to tell...
Fluid familiar moves. >>> familiar to who? are we going aquatic?
The asynchrony of two explosions. >>> doesn't it seem that words like "explosion" in a passion setting etc. are for Hallmark?
A duet of gasps fading >>> trying to hard (obviously) to be poetic IMO
to ragged breaths. "ragged" in this context is just old and torn. I'd like something original and fresh...
A repeat of expected rapture >>> words like "rapture" are worthless IMO
but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her tightly. >>> this again is pushing the cliché peddle to the floor.
He wanted this to never end. >>> all in all, entirely too much tell + cliché and very little (if any) compelling imagery...
This?
No.
Her.
A new kind of explosion
rose from a whisper to a voice >>> rather than tell (which is very easy to do) why don't you work on this and find a way to convey via imagery this "new kind of explosion"
he never knew he had,
saying, while holding her happily >>> abstractions like "happily" are unfit for good poetry IMO
words he’d never said before. >>> OK, then actually use these words rather than tell about them...