The L Word

[Lizzie]

Hello, zorcas

Ok, so I think you've gone a step backward with the revision, I'm sorry to say. There are two parts that you cut which I felt were particularly beautiful in the first version. First, "This? No. Her" was really quite lovely. I would have italicized 'her' for extra emphasis. It showed us real care for the other and true adoration for her person which doesn't show up quite as strongly in the second version. Second,  "A new kind of explosion rose from a whisper to a voice" was beautiful, and I strongly urge you to believe Leanne when she says that this is a worthy bit of writing. The piece suffers from its absence.

Ok, about the title: I actually would think about coming up with something else if you don't intend to refer to lesbian love. There's a very popular TV show called "The L Word" that's on this topic, and, I'm sure you won't get sued for plagiarism or anything at this stage, but I'd consider coming up with something unique.

Ok, a few line comments:

 Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. EDIT 1 -- this first line has no verb. I'm a stickler for full sentences. As this is serious, I feel I must be picky.
Carnivorous desires cloaked
in anxious whispers. -- 'anxious whispers' has good sonics
Familiar fluid moves. -- content wise, I have no issues with these first lines. 'Fluid moves' has good sonics, and it's a beautiful set up. I'm on the fence about whether the previous sentence is complete or not -- this one is technically complete, but the repeated full stops abrupt the reading and they are making the reading unnecessarily unpleasant.

The asynchrony of two explosions. -- good sonics here too, but it's not a complete sentence! Grrr....
A duet of gasps softening to ragged breaths. -- I liked this sentence better in the original version. 'Gasps' does not move well into 'softening' for me because I have to make such a deliberate effort to fully stop gasps to avoid just running the two words together. Also, soft moving into ragged seems strange from an imagery standpoint.
A repeat of expected rapture, -- good sonics

but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her closely. -- I like the use of italics to indicate more of an inner monologue at this moment.
He wanted this to never end. -- borderline cliche, and uninteresting phrasing. What is "this"?
A new feeling

prompted him to say,
while holding her contently, -- 'contently' is only slightly better than 'happily.' And shouldn't it be contentedly? I dislike adverbs because you usually don't need them if you've chosen an impactful verb and kept it in an active form. This sentence needs to be restructured so that he is not being upstaged by "feeling" and relegated to a clause. Both 'prompted' and 'holding' feel too mild for this passionate moment.

words he’d never said before.

So, again I think you've got some really good material between this one and the original version. I would strongly recommend bringing back the beautiful elements from the original that you eliminated.

Hope this helps! Best to you,

lizziep