11-11-2016, 06:15 PM
(11-10-2016, 04:44 AM)BecktheDog Wrote: Hi there, hope you don't mind if I suggest a few things.
The sun rises just a little bit higher - try to replace "just a little bit" with a respective synonym, would greatly help the theme.
the crimson pink rose petal accretes a drop of dew - fantastic
the wind pushes the branches - possibly try finding a different wording for "pushes the branches", it's simplicity slows down the overall emotion
the ground gains a new leaf
a new bud sprouts from the ground - I love the repetition of "the" for the first 4 lines although unsure why it changed to "a" in the fifth. Taking this line out is an option as changing it to a "the" would have 5 lines of repetition instead of a more natural 4, although this may be trivial to some.
corn is harvested by the bushel
snow accumulates on the mountain tops. - "On the tops of mountains" maybe?
The world sees a new baby's face
the parent emits more love than thought possible - This line is a bit janky, try changing it to something like "the love of a parent radiates beyond reason", although maybe use something instead of "reason", like "possibility", or something to that effect.
a kind word gives hope
laughter fills a room
a dog rolls over and kisses its owner - Try using more descriptors in this sentence, similar to the "the wind pushes the branches" line earlier, it's rather blank
Coffee drips down into the pot
a breath out
a breath in - Purely personal taste but I believe using "the" instead of "a" will emphasize the mood of the poem for it's last lines.
To accrete is to gain
oxygen in a brain
hope through the pain. - These last three lines are very good
