11-11-2016, 06:56 AM
OK. So first off- I like it! Overall, very good, nice rhythm, nice consonance. I enjoyed it! Here are a few comments and tweaks I'd consider.
Use of 'million'. Either it is unintentionally repetitive making it not quite as creative or it is intentional. I could see "a thousand lost connections" working well instead. That would also bring out some consonance because thousand would go well with thought. If the twice-use of "million'' is intentional however, perhaps you should have it used more than twice. Perhaps bring it back a couple more times throughout the poem?
I appreciate the consonance of "tightly twisted".
Ok, I can't quite explain why, but to my ears, "unravel" just doesn't seem to work here. ? Which is unfortunate because it is the name of the piece and it is a lovely word. Perhaps another strong 't' verb to go with tightly and twisted?
Wow. I really like that second paragraph. Very good. 'Skitter scamper squeak'- excellent! Carries the mood well!
The final paragraph is also very good. I would recommend adding 'just' to the 4th line. "The meaning just as fragile".
Also, did you ever consider making that last line "The promise to hold on to it"?
Use of 'million'. Either it is unintentionally repetitive making it not quite as creative or it is intentional. I could see "a thousand lost connections" working well instead. That would also bring out some consonance because thousand would go well with thought. If the twice-use of "million'' is intentional however, perhaps you should have it used more than twice. Perhaps bring it back a couple more times throughout the poem?
I appreciate the consonance of "tightly twisted".
Ok, I can't quite explain why, but to my ears, "unravel" just doesn't seem to work here. ? Which is unfortunate because it is the name of the piece and it is a lovely word. Perhaps another strong 't' verb to go with tightly and twisted?
Wow. I really like that second paragraph. Very good. 'Skitter scamper squeak'- excellent! Carries the mood well!
The final paragraph is also very good. I would recommend adding 'just' to the 4th line. "The meaning just as fragile".
Also, did you ever consider making that last line "The promise to hold on to it"?
(11-09-2016, 10:32 AM)starlight Wrote: A simple word shatters at the thought
of a million of lost connections
A million tightly twisted knots unravel
The unintelligible mice of mind
Skitter scamper squeak
in overpowering commotion,
Drowning out your own name
Waiting for the day when numbers
order the way they're ordered to
Three six five, just letters,
The meaning as fragile
As the fallibility of the mind
That promised to hold on to it