11-10-2016, 04:38 AM
Other than what Sintas said above, I also find the pattern a bit unstable. Let's say, for example, the use of different number of lines for every paragraph kind of messes with the flow.
Also,
Generally speaking, I really liked how you portrayed the human mind as weak and feeble, and lacking in inspiration.
Also,
(11-09-2016, 10:32 AM)starlight Wrote: A simple word shatters at the thought
of a million of lost connections
A million tightly twisted knots unravel How about you replace the word 'million' with something similar in order to avoid repetition with the 'million' mentioned in the second line.
The unintelligible mice of mind
Skitter scamper squeak
in overpowering commotion, Also, I'd prefer a bit more compact word over 'overpowering'.
Drowning out your own name
Waiting for the day when numbers
order the way they're ordered to
Three six five, just letters,
The meaning as fragile
As the fallibility of the mind
That promised to hold on to it
Generally speaking, I really liked how you portrayed the human mind as weak and feeble, and lacking in inspiration.
