Unraveling

[sintas patatas]

Hello, starlight.

I like how (to me) you showed how the mind can be frail, how tenuous memory is, how it can be there, then suddenly not. Because of aging or some other thing.

Here are my comments/suggestions/clarifications by line:

A simple word shatters at the thought
of a million of lost connections How about scrapping the second "of"? = a million lost connections
A million tightly twisted knots unravel
 
The unintelligible mice of mind How about adding "the" after of = mice of the mind. Also, untintelligible for me seems too long a word for this line. A shorter/simpler word may be better.
Skitter scamper squeak
in overpowering commotion, Saying there's an overpowering commotion and showing us how are two different things.
Drowning out your own name This line shows what the "mice of the mind" can do, which I like. I only have a problem with not finding "your/you" anywhere else in the poem so it's a bit jarring.
 
Waiting for the day when numbers
order the way they're ordered to This part is a bit confusing. Order? Line up in order?
Three six five, just letters,
The meaning as fragile
As the fallibility of the mind
That promised to hold on to it

All in all, the drama in this poem seems muted, which I guess goes with how things are "unraveling." But maybe dropping an oomph bomb wouldn't hurt