11-09-2016, 12:34 AM
A lovely anecdote, but the edgelord within me keeps wanting to push it into darker territory ---- obviously (I hope) by darker territory, I mean child abuse. Fortunately, I'm not that much of a stuck-ass, so I'm also loving this as is -- the irregularity, I think, is what breathes it charm. Although the last line, because of its relative length (that is, the positions of its stresses seem to make them sound longer), maybe needs a look? Or maybe doesn't -- it might just be me, and I can't really think of alternatives.
I do think though that punctuation is just a tad weird. The comma is unnecessary -- the line break works well enough, and stitched into prose it just isn't right -- instead, there should be a period at the end of the fourth line, as well as the fifth, and maybe a comma by the first. Otherwise, lovely!
I do think though that punctuation is just a tad weird. The comma is unnecessary -- the line break works well enough, and stitched into prose it just isn't right -- instead, there should be a period at the end of the fourth line, as well as the fifth, and maybe a comma by the first. Otherwise, lovely!