11-08-2016, 01:15 PM
Genuinely enjoyed reading this, totally got the subject matter, assume there is a personal context and glad you at least feel that firstly, things have moved on... and secondly that there is at least to you some positive of a generation engrossed staring into their technology! Feeling this is personal, there is no critiquing your feelings and any specific instances you are thinking of - but my main criticism in terms of subject matter is a glaring question, have things really moved on in general? Perhaps in your instance. But broadly speaking? Perhaps you don't wish to speak broadly but I sense in places you do.
Lots has already been said in terms of line by line so I won't add another. Only concur very strongly with one of the previous posts (Todd) in terms of the last stanza. It's really well written overall and I can't help feeling it should pack more of a punch at the end, by shortening, word changes, adding a syllable here or there:
You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction.--I like this line, but might still cut it for a short sharp finish OR adjust the next line slightly for a smoother read, end strong.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence— Can you improve this line? "now you sit next to". [an e.g. now you sit idly with idlers in silence]
phones lighting your faces from underneath--maybe cut your, add something between from & underneath, or after? [phones lighting faces from deep underneath / phones lighting faces from underneath thought] I might be going too far there in my examples but they are meant to be only that, examples.
like expressionless paintings
and the world goes on without you.
As mentioned lots has been said, but hope that's of some use.
RBJ
Lots has already been said in terms of line by line so I won't add another. Only concur very strongly with one of the previous posts (Todd) in terms of the last stanza. It's really well written overall and I can't help feeling it should pack more of a punch at the end, by shortening, word changes, adding a syllable here or there:
You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction.--I like this line, but might still cut it for a short sharp finish OR adjust the next line slightly for a smoother read, end strong.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence— Can you improve this line? "now you sit next to". [an e.g. now you sit idly with idlers in silence]
phones lighting your faces from underneath--maybe cut your, add something between from & underneath, or after? [phones lighting faces from deep underneath / phones lighting faces from underneath thought] I might be going too far there in my examples but they are meant to be only that, examples.
like expressionless paintings
and the world goes on without you.
As mentioned lots has been said, but hope that's of some use.
RBJ