11-07-2016, 01:13 AM
“In air swollen
with tan shreds
and sapphire spheres
bobbing and circling
white waves
ringed in red, >>> I have a number of issues turning me off rather aggressively right out of the cardboard box starting with excessively chopped short lines littered with "shreds" and "spheres" that land rather abruptly in overly populated abstraction... In truth, I am hesitant to go any further
because I seriously doubt this effort justifies "serious workshop..."
Pompeii’s Princess
Penelope finds
the fisher’s shack.
“Wet, cold, afraid,
she stumbles in,
coughing. >>> This is very poor (lazy) writing and that anyone with a teaspoon of description chops could easily best in about 15 seconds..
Seeing her friend,
Penelope gasps,
‘Verily, Vesuvius
hath killed me.’ >>> sorry this is utter trash. words like gasps verily and hath are absolutely devoid of currency and have zero present value...
‘Fear not. I shall
breathe new life
into you,’ said--”
Meow! >>> just wow. I am so sorry I proceeded...
A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”
Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first.
This could be funny if it was intended to be a rather transparent effort at some contorted parody or mockery... But it's just bad. Really bad.
Sorry. that's my take.