Impossible angel

[tectak]

Hi Ache,
This is a Moody Effort if a little MeloDramatic....ME and MD are common bedfellows so it may be wise of me not to mention that again but to stick to the grammar/construction/ word use as I see it. So here goes.

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes Too early for a cliche call but you sail close...
and you, your languid locks, The "andiness" may become a problem...has become a problem..but primarily because you lose coherency by trying to get out what you want to say without thinking about the message. So. "...and you WITH your languid locks..." clarifies the the next "and" links "you"  to "my world of..", NOT "your locks". Yes?
are always in my world of drunken walks In the next stanza you refer to drunkenness again. That's OK but is it relevant twice? You are making a case here for "deep thinking" and the power of observation so it may be that there is a general failing in this piece...only a small failing...which keeps manifesting itself as an enebriation. This has the effect of inroducing uncertainty in the deftness of the poetic execution. I cannot tell if you were drunk when you wrote this piece and that is unsettling my critical thinking. I will clarify. I think what you are saying is "..through Barbican and Bishopsgate, (where) in the moonbeam shallows (?) the walls are spattered with poetry.." If you think this is pedantic, it is...but read on..
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows
of walls spattered with poetry.

Thursday nights your longing is a sea
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows
turn not to me. OK, here we are. Now this is the definitive failng stanza. You are thinking thoughts but not transmitting poetry. I read this  thus. " (On) Thursday nights your longing is (for) a sea-crossing through hours of drunkenness...", BUT it could mean "(On) Thursday nights, your longing is a sea, crossing through hours of drunkenness" or " (On) Thursday nights, your longing is a sea-crossing through hours of drunkenness" . It's fine to have a choice....but what do YOU mean?

Impossible angel
that runs not to me. Nice but for the now (after two repeats) predictable inversion. What are they ("turn not to me" and "run not to me") there for? Oh, of course, the MD; as is the gratuitous cliff-fall in to the next stanza with a period push-off and a "but" to land on.

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness
in the white frothed wave that follows
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness
that burns not for me. Now this is pretty dire. I fully appreciate the poignancy inherent in this stanza, and to a degree I can empathise with the character...note, the character, not YOU.
I am though, more felled by the emotive word use...deep, emptiness, moon, pale, loneliness, burns...than by the MEANING of it all...and I think YOU were,too.

Overall, the moodiness is your saviour. I cannot see greater depth than what you have let spread on the water like thin oil. If anything, it needs to clarify the deep thinking. I love the "Impossible Angel" implication but I just don't SEE her. What I do see is what you have stuck under my pince nez...and it is not enough. I need polarised lenses to see beneath the surface.
Best,
tectak

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