CREATING A POEM

[Lizzie]

Hi zorcas. Overall, I think it could be a nice little piece. It's something I'd expect to see in the "for fun" forum, though. It doesn't seem to have much depth, and appears to be mostly for a bit of fun. Which is awesome, I just don't think it's ready for serious yet. I'll give you the thoughts I have below:

“In air swollen
with tan shreds -- of what?
and sapphire spheres
bobbing and circling  -- I'm assuming these are raindrops? What are the sapphire spheres? More importantly, it's not clear (mainly because of the lack of punctuation here) whether bobbing and circling is referring to the spheres or to the white waves.
white waves
ringed in red, -- I'm having trouble with this image because waves have more of a horizontal thing going on, and I can't imagine them being ringed with anything. Perhaps it's the glow of the sunset lining the waves, maybe there's a thread of red on the waves, etc? Just a thought.
Pompeii’s Princess
Penelope finds
the fisher’s shack.
 
“Wet, cold, afraid, -- fairly bland descriptors
she stumbles in,
coughing.
Seeing her friend,
Penelope gasps,
‘Verily, Vesuvius
hath killed me.’
‘Fear not. I shall
breathe new life
into you,’ said--” -- I understand that you don't want to go too into depth with a story that's inside of a story, but this little exchange just doesn't feel compelling to me. I agree with Keith's idea that maybe it should be a steamy little snippet -- Achebe's thought about including a fictional cat is also good. What needs to happen in order for the "meow" to feel disruptive is for the reader to be engaged in the story and then suddenly interrupted, but the story you present is not engaging. You're alluding to this huge story with betrayal and numerous characters, and it's just not possible (ok, well maybe not impossible, but almost) to get someone caught up in the story in that little space. Maybe focus on a dynamic that's just between two characters and don't give too much back story, just make it about what's going on in that exact moment. In fairness, what you're trying to accomplish here is actually quite hard.

Meow!

A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”
 
Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first.

I think the last two lines work. It's almost a taunt to the reader. I agree with Keith's idea that the title needs work.

I guess I'm not sure what purpose is ultimately served here, other than a challenge for the writer and a middle finger to the reader. You're really telling the reader that they can wait, since the cat bit doesn't offer any insight, engaging imagery, or sense of conclusion to the reader.

It's not something you could read over and over because you already know what the 'punch line' is, as it were.

I hope something here helps.

lizziep