11-04-2016, 06:13 AM
Hi zorcas
Your title threw me on the first read and to be honest I still don't see the connection but that could just be me, maybe the Mills and Boon plot has more depth than my understanding, either way I like the set up, there is just enough of Penelope's plight to suck the reader in before you abandon us to go feed the cat, I also liked the detail of the breakfast. The ending was a bit disappointing as I already knew you had stopped reading to feed the cat because of the five licks of milk. As the reader I wanted to go back to Penelope friend and get a bit more, this could also work well if the novel was a bit steamy. Penelope can wait, could be a good title. I should just say I enjoyed the poem and how the cameo played out. I think you should review the punctuation. Best Keith
“In air swollen
with tan shreds not sure what a tan shred is
and sapphire spheres
bobbing and circling
white waves
ringed in red, You could trade this unnecessary imagery for plot to bait the hook for the reader
Pompeii’s Princess
Penelope finds like your use of sonic's here
the fisher’s shack. Consider if someone asked you to read a passage from a book that would engage the reader and make them want to read it would this be it ?
“Wet, cold, afraid,
she stumbles in,
coughing.
Seeing her friend,
Penelope gasps,
‘Verily, Vesuvius this is playful and fits well with the fun element of the poem
hath killed me.’
‘Fear not. I shall Not sure the old text element works here it kind of distracts from plot
breathe new life
into you,’ said--”
Meow!
A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left Whilst I like the detail here it does seem slightly odd that a cat would want such fanciful left overs, but hey I have a dog and she will eat anything so who am I to judge.
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”
Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first. Please see my comments above re-ending
Your title threw me on the first read and to be honest I still don't see the connection but that could just be me, maybe the Mills and Boon plot has more depth than my understanding, either way I like the set up, there is just enough of Penelope's plight to suck the reader in before you abandon us to go feed the cat, I also liked the detail of the breakfast. The ending was a bit disappointing as I already knew you had stopped reading to feed the cat because of the five licks of milk. As the reader I wanted to go back to Penelope friend and get a bit more, this could also work well if the novel was a bit steamy. Penelope can wait, could be a good title. I should just say I enjoyed the poem and how the cameo played out. I think you should review the punctuation. Best Keith
“In air swollen
with tan shreds not sure what a tan shred is
and sapphire spheres
bobbing and circling
white waves
ringed in red, You could trade this unnecessary imagery for plot to bait the hook for the reader
Pompeii’s Princess
Penelope finds like your use of sonic's here
the fisher’s shack. Consider if someone asked you to read a passage from a book that would engage the reader and make them want to read it would this be it ?
“Wet, cold, afraid,
she stumbles in,
coughing.
Seeing her friend,
Penelope gasps,
‘Verily, Vesuvius this is playful and fits well with the fun element of the poem
hath killed me.’
‘Fear not. I shall Not sure the old text element works here it kind of distracts from plot
breathe new life
into you,’ said--”
Meow!
A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left Whilst I like the detail here it does seem slightly odd that a cat would want such fanciful left overs, but hey I have a dog and she will eat anything so who am I to judge.
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”
Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first. Please see my comments above re-ending
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out