11-03-2016, 05:09 PM
first off all i saw were big big letters and it almost put off reading. good for people with poor eyesight but not so much for others.
there's good and bad in the poem, for me the first line is a minus as it's too obvious as to what's coming after iti'd suggest starting with the 2nd line. in parts the voice is an adult and elsewhere it's a child. pick one and stick with it [or make us understand the change] for me there's too many words that carry little or no weight. i saw you mention the meter which in it's present format is internal which is fine, except the rhymes are forced or repeated.
the following line stood out more than most of the others, though it does need some work.
there are other good parts in the poem, pick out the best ones and build the poem around them, i think brevity would be a good friend on any edit you choose to do. [welcome to the site.
Except ramen is only 29 cents.
Were you scared to go to the store, walk through those doors,
and have everybody stare at you
with your two black eyes pointed at the floor.
there's good and bad in the poem, for me the first line is a minus as it's too obvious as to what's coming after iti'd suggest starting with the 2nd line. in parts the voice is an adult and elsewhere it's a child. pick one and stick with it [or make us understand the change] for me there's too many words that carry little or no weight. i saw you mention the meter which in it's present format is internal which is fine, except the rhymes are forced or repeated.
the following line stood out more than most of the others, though it does need some work.
there are other good parts in the poem, pick out the best ones and build the poem around them, i think brevity would be a good friend on any edit you choose to do. [welcome to the site.
Except ramen is only 29 cents.
Were you scared to go to the store, walk through those doors,
and have everybody stare at you
with your two black eyes pointed at the floor.
Quote: Mom, why did dad have to leave?
I thought we'd always be a family.
Now it's just me and you.
So what did I do, or what can I do?
To keep us together forever, the people I love and cherish.
Who should have thought more about their marriage, before they started pushing a carriage.
Why did my new dad beat me, or the two of you forget to feed me? Yeah, we were poor, and I know how hard it is to make a living when you're always bruised and broken from a deadbeat who has you convinced "You need me!"
Except ramen is only 29 cents. Were you scared to go to the store, walk through those doors, and have everybody stare at you with your two black eyes pointed at the floor.
Were you ashamed that you couldn't get away and find something more? Were you keeping score? Counting all the times he turned off the lights and called you a whore?
Waiting, debating and hating until you took a machete to his skull?
In my mind I would bury him, stand in church as the lights dim.
Surrounded by family with bowed chins.
Looking at a dozen demons crawling away to escape the evil within that was him.
Stop and breathe in. Wait, then sigh and let go of this burden, like a coat of his cold skin that I was carryin', and just ask myself why you ever married him.
I never asked to be born. Nobody did, but no matter how many times I hid, reality was always there to slap me upside the head.
Roll my ass out of bed, bright and early, for a new perilous journey.
While I throw the dice like dungeons and dragons. Gambling on a chance that I might get a new life, live twice.
Forget the past, restart, and survive off something other than knuckle sandwiches and white rice.
The truth is, now that I'm older, I'm actually grateful.
Because the past is unchangable
And I found out what I didn't want to grow up to be
And how if you learn to love yourself, being hurt or hungry is a lot less painful.
~This is my first post, so hello everybody! Thank you for reading. I'm actually really excited to see what everybody has to say.