11-03-2016, 12:58 PM
I think there's a lot of great stuff in here. A lot of the setting or (atmosphere or something) is strong and could be accentuated with a greater focus.
(10-31-2016, 04:27 PM)Krakus Wrote: Mom, why did dad have to leave?I don't really know how to tell you how to write. However, I would suggest less rhyming and more details for this. Just my opinion, depends what other people like though.
I thought we'd always be a family.
Now it's just me and you.
So what did I do, or what can I do?
To keep us together forever, the people I love and cherish.
Who should have thought more about their marriage, before they started pushing a carriage.
Why did my new dad beat me, or the two of you forget to feed me? Yeah, we were poor, and I know how hard it is to make a living when you're always bruised and broken from a deadbeat who has you convinced "You need me!"
Except ramen is only 29 cents. Were you scared to go to the store, walk through those doors, and have everybody stare at you with your two black eyes pointed at the floor. -- black eyes and ramen work well for atmosphere. There are a lot of words to get to that though
Were you ashamed that you couldn't get away and find something more? Were you keeping score? Counting all the times he turned off the lights and called you a whore?
Waiting, debating and hating until you took a machete to his skull?
In my mind I would bury him, stand in church as the lights dim. -- The church and bowed chins create more palpable things that carry weight.
Surrounded by family with bowed chins.
Looking at a dozen demons crawling away to escape the evil within that was him. -- I would avoid cliches such as evil within.
Stop and breathe in. Wait, then sigh and let go of this burden, like a coat of his cold skin that I was carryin', and just ask myself why you ever married him.
I never asked to be born. Nobody did, but no matter how many times I hid, reality was always there to slap me upside the head.
Roll my ass out of bed, bright and early, for a new perilous journey.
While I throw the dice like dungeons and dragons. -- dungeons and dragons is an interesting detail. Gambling on a chance that I might get a new life, live twice.
Forget the past, restart, and survive off something other than knuckle sandwiches and white rice.
The truth is, now that I'm older, I'm actually grateful.
Because the past is unchangable
And I found out what I didn't want to grow up to be
And how if you learn to love yourself, being hurt or hungry is a lot less painful.
~This is my first post, so hello everybody! Thank you for reading. I'm actually really excited to see what everybody has to say.