10-29-2016, 06:19 AM
You've sharpened your pencil down, but just there and no further. The balance is the issue. You cut out all unnecessary words, but you need still a balance. Else, you just have disparate phrase stacked over top of phrase. The logic and sense are about perfect, the poetry of the matter; but you still have the artful-verse sinking on you throughout. I mean, the poetry is sharp as ever, but your verse is still dull. . . . That may seem worse, but it's better. Just flirt around with the sounds so it comes off less as a stack of crates the ship is carrying and more as the ship itself moving and experiencing. And you.