10-29-2016, 01:11 AM
Hello Azure,
I believe some of your images and metaphors are actually quite provocative and, in general, quite interesting, but without stable an concrete "thoroughfare" or "narrative" (and I mean narrative, of course, not as a story, but as an overarching theme), that the poem lacks a sort of resonance with the reader. In short, it comes off as word soup. Regardless, I think the foundations are laid here for a quite evocative piece of poetry, if only you could expand on the contentedness of your images. Note: I also understand that this takes from a sort of surrealist tradition, but I don't believe that to be an excuse for word-soup.
heart pangs (Maybe a comma here to show the difference between your first two images)
the rose-hewn sky barks
violet lightening
I'm slicing
details of daylight apart
in my mind like silence does (Perhaps to get that ephemeral, almost dreamlike feel, you could use an alliteration here at the final line ...in my mind as silence slices sometimes. This is just a thought of course).
sometimes.
tonight is ripe with refusal
in this hermitage
air is sulfurous.
sidewalks cohort with abstract devils
the city dwellers yawn and screech and weep
constellations rush out to rust
as the Moon rises
I heed not certain thoughts. (What certain thoughts are these? You make a point of using the word certain, so perhaps an enumeration or at the very least an expansion of what you mean by "certain" might be profitable here)
In short, I think your poem could come to something quite great with a little bit of expansion, and relation of the imagery.
I believe some of your images and metaphors are actually quite provocative and, in general, quite interesting, but without stable an concrete "thoroughfare" or "narrative" (and I mean narrative, of course, not as a story, but as an overarching theme), that the poem lacks a sort of resonance with the reader. In short, it comes off as word soup. Regardless, I think the foundations are laid here for a quite evocative piece of poetry, if only you could expand on the contentedness of your images. Note: I also understand that this takes from a sort of surrealist tradition, but I don't believe that to be an excuse for word-soup.
heart pangs (Maybe a comma here to show the difference between your first two images)
the rose-hewn sky barks
violet lightening
I'm slicing
details of daylight apart
in my mind like silence does (Perhaps to get that ephemeral, almost dreamlike feel, you could use an alliteration here at the final line ...in my mind as silence slices sometimes. This is just a thought of course).
sometimes.
tonight is ripe with refusal
in this hermitage
air is sulfurous.
sidewalks cohort with abstract devils
the city dwellers yawn and screech and weep
constellations rush out to rust
as the Moon rises
I heed not certain thoughts. (What certain thoughts are these? You make a point of using the word certain, so perhaps an enumeration or at the very least an expansion of what you mean by "certain" might be profitable here)
In short, I think your poem could come to something quite great with a little bit of expansion, and relation of the imagery.