The Hurry

[kolemath]

somber, contemplative, isolated, image-strong...the poem

The Hurry don't quite get the title
 
 
There sets a mansion,
inside it, dull reality-tamers good words
and their friends, enjoying life—
more than we could imagine. these lines don't add much and even boarder on incredulous 
I wasn't much interested in the men who made the money,
instead I eyed their wives,
wives' friends, daughters,
daughters' friends. not sure if it's a creep or a player
I wasn't interested in the plenty,
the reapen,
but blazon seductions, revelry through restaurants and streets, not a bad line, with the exception of 'revelry' which sounds like a harry potter word or something, but nothing about 'seductions' fits the rest of the poem or the character to my reading
ghosthunting in the fields.
 
When I left, I walked along
the long driveway alone. poor prufrock
No one even wanted my money. good line
And found a bar by a tree
shaped like an owl the size of McDonald's.
Its clocks were all digital.
The manager gave me something for free,
but I had to pay for my drinks:
I couldn't see the dark road for the brightness inside. good setting description with layered implications
 
One man at the bar has lived through seriousness; probably want past perfect 'had lived' considering all the past tenses verbs above
not the pipsqueak video screens we call our wars. prob the best line
Through my fog of words, his blank face
solemnly mentioned the ban on Lorca,
having met Franco, and the correct pronunciation
of Dostoevsky.
Low on money and Spanish, I mentioned I knew of Pablo Neruda,
and was just as bad at Russian.
He said he tended toward the Right. i like this exchange. maybe i'm biased as a lettered alcoholic
 
The men's room broken,
I stand over a woman's commode now we're in present tense?
expecting a stream the color of orange flavored Hi-C,
but my health is clearer than my mind. youth
If I forget to pay I'll be embarrassed, comma splice
if I pay I might not make it home;
so I brace the window, looking out
on the black before the road, so you can see out the window now. may want a period here too
all the mustard paraphernalia,
the bated tension, the nerve mixed anger
I turned into jokes. good stream of consciousness
 
Clutching a thorny ball of ten or more ones, wait, i thought you were a rich mansion guy
I leaned against a tree thinking. don't like 'thinking' but glad tree came back
A woman came up,
asked the next time I go to church
would I pray for her.
I said I didn't go to church but I'd pray for her regardless.
Then it was the money,
baloney and milk, the same as always;
I held it out and she grabbed it and ran out through the darkness. great exchange
I felt as embarrassed in front of her as
with those at the mansion. i didn't get 'embarrassed' from S1
 
With a stranger's air, I sat on a bench
near the granite fountain that used to be a field. another good setting line with implications
Its mist and blue and red lights
and the air around
always make me feel I'm in another town.
Too many crescent-closed eyelids, too many tongues warped
in familiar dialects coming from the shadows up street
along with too many thoughts terminate any reveries
worth holding out for. there's just no point to life is there. oh, well there's poetry at least, and wives and daughters, and drink and revelry
I went away, not leaving ruins for another time. not getting the meaning but liking it anyway
 
But breaking out of my derelict cosmos,
I turned bear and yawned,
I turned wolf and ran, or rather walked quite the metamorphosis here
fast through the country road that had become a street, good line
quickly, across the bridge to the broad lightpost
where the street ended and the main highway
going from east to west walled me in
like a great slit in the earth. cool stanza
 
The environment sieved in like a caged oddity, the environment or you? (comma splice)
even fishermen and children aren't seen after certain hours;
the voices dampen and the chatter of dim lightbulbs
lose their moths and gnats to blank early morning. you're quite good with setting in this one
Some places concede a flat planet.—
Maybe if I scrambled like a lizard up the side of the sky
I could wake up in someone's bedroom and start the whole desire over,
but I just wait exotically, in lieu of a telephone my subconsciousness just made 'toxic' out of '..xotic..'
or guide,
in a city no one comes to know. not a bad closing line

hope there's something of use for you here. while the setting is quite good, the character frame of mind is a bit inconsistent.

thanks for posting.