broken ship [newest version]

[newmystic]

I fell in love with a siren
at the helm of a broken ship.
Strapped to the mast,
I tried to resist his song
but my sails are torn and down,
my comrades have all jumped.
the ocean devours
the waters have now colluded
to toss me into the sea;
"I guess I drew the shortest straw," I tell myself.
my friend is Jonah.
still unrepentant, I'm shaking,
my legs wet and wooden,
I cry out to God,
"I wish I was a real boy."
He says:
"Let your conscience be your guide." 
so collecting my courage
I look the whale in the eye
I tell him to swallow me whole.
now with closed eyes
and hands on my chest,
I take a deep breath;
the fluid fills my nostrils
as Ophelia in the water
I surrender to the deep
and trust the Blue Fairy
to come and wake me
before it's too late.

I fell in love with my broken ship;
a depression that is anchored to my soul.
then along came a siren;
devilishly handsome and Mexican
five-foot-ten
Strapped to the mast,
I tried to resist his song.
when suddenly a northern gale swept him away,
leaving me in a puddle of tears
and his tune ringing in my ears.
with my sails now torn and down,
my comrades have all jumped.
I sink deeper into the ocean's cloud;
the waters have now colluded
to toss me into the sea;
"I guess I drew the shortest straw," I tell myself.
my best friend is now Jonah.
still unrepentant, I'm shaking,
my legs wet and wooden,
I can't believe the fate that has struck me
I cry out to God,
"I wish I was a real boy."
He says:
"Don't worry. Let your conscience be your guide." 
so collecting my courage
I look the whale in the eye
I tell him to swallow me whole.
now with closed eyes
and hands on my chest,
I take a deep breath;
I glide into the stream
as Ophelia in the water
I surrender to the deep
and trust the Blue Fairy
to come and rescue my heart;
and wake me up
before it's too late.

I fell in love with my broken ship
a tragedy blew through my soul
strapped to the mast
I tried to resist the Siren's song
but my sail is now torn and down
my comrades have jumped
the waters have colluded
to toss me into the sea
I guess I drew the shortest straw
my best friend is now Jonah 
unrepentant, I'm shaking
my legs wet and wooden
I cry out to God,
"I wish I was a real boy."
He says:
"Let your conscience be your guide."
so collecting my courage
I look the whale in the eye
I tell him to swallow me whole
with closed eyes
and hands on my chest
I glide into the stream
as Juliet
Ophelia in the water
I surrender to the deep
and trust the Blue Fairy to
rescue my soul

---

I think the problem with all versions is your phrasing. There's too much wordy detail. That's where the art would come in handy. All the things you mention, they'd stand without need for explanation if not for the clumsy phrasing describing the action. That's where you have to be more inventive here.

ok, made some more changes. take a third look, if you don't mind.