The Eternal Sunset

[HaleINthewind]

Hi, 



I wrote the following poem which has the theme of life and death. I would like some feedback especially regarding rhyme and rhythm, and whether the arguments I make for picking life over death makes sense to the readers. Thanks!

Most of man knows life as time, *
but privy few know that ebbs and tides not shackled by time, *
is what make life divine;
The eternal sunset on the horizon waves,
and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way,*
and if past the sunset an inferno lies,
I would do good a deed and temper vice today;*
And as muscle dies and senses fail,
and if the spirit withers away,*
that I say is the worst of fates!
Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan:
it imitates, and masquerades;
For man’s torch can only flare and dim,
but remains a speck in a great abyss;
The eternal sunset comes closer still,*
Should I live in wait or run to it with all my will?*

I have come back to your poem now on multiple occasions hoping to be able to offer something new..... So...
I decided to star all the rhymes I heard and color code them by their match. I may be missing some, there seems to be a few half rhymes i think (divine,time/ dim charatan) ( those may not even be half rhymes but maybe)  and I do not see a visible rhyme scheme. At least with the rhymes I saw it seems a bit random to me. Did you have a clear plan for ryhming when you went into write?

Also even thought I dont know how this line fits in i love the rhythm of " Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan," I think that is the most interesting line of the whole poem. I think it would work great as an opener. Thanks for the read.