10-25-2016, 10:02 PM
It's best never to add anything, or say anything, for the sake of meter or rhyme. Unless you want a flippant or careless tone, you have to say everything you would say in normal speech in your meter and rhyme, and with your other poetry techniques. But it's best not to think of them as techniques, like you're following an instruction manual and assembling something. You want the artifice to be hidden, unless it's part of the game. The poem itself works, but the verse of it is off. Try not to overthink the verse and let the poetry come naturally, if you read lots of poetry and keep trying to write the poem the knack for verse will develop. It seems to me that's better than bogging yourself down with how it should work. You could make more of the eternal sunset than just dying, death and afterdeath. But it does help to bog yourself down with reading lots of good poetry.