-iso EDIT 1

[CRNDLSM]

Thanks for the critique! 
The first draft took a month to put together I'd never written a sonnet before.  I had a deadline for myself for Saturday, posted my draft on Wed or Thurs  then kicked out the edit in a day.  This website is amazing.  I was just super excited to have rewritten it to what was easier to memorize, easier to understand, and still follow standard sonnet form.  It is about playing live music, crazy business. Basically I have an alter ego now.  I've already committed to a few edits 'who's behind the smile, am I a liar?' Instead of 'til the time I finally retire'
And the last two lines 'I'll circumvent that ever present shame'
'but are we not or am I both the same? Or something like that it's simmering...

First draft I liked, second in terms of construction I liked more but I thought you actually lost confidence in the edit?
I thought you took on this form without enough willingness to deform, considering your style and subject matter (I actually read this after your excellent critique of a poem I posted where you seemed a bit undecided on my sudden destruction of meter, positive on some not so on others!). 
Perfectly metered sonnets were great in the 19th century, are great if you are addressing some broad romance, are fitting if you are using beautifully and carefully constructed sentences with multiple sonic techniques in every line. But both of these drafts (more so the second, in my opinion stronger one) are colloquial at times, fittingly so considering subject matter- which I understand to be a distant confidence in your words that doesn't always overcome doubt. I'm not sure it's a fitting form for colloquial writing unless you are willing to tease it a little.

I also see a very polite approach to quite a lot of feeling in this. It gives me the understanding that you are not a fan of how things are in terms of spreading your words/work and opportunities and who takes them; perhaps believing that people (without your talent) are on a pedestal or on display due to them being pushy or overconfident rather than actua;;y any good (a notion I agree with!). The line using "freaking"... if you're going to curse then curse properly with strength and effect. I feel your frustration but feel you hold back.

Yet the poem's existence in itself demonstrates a degree of self belief....

Edit 1


Self promotion makes me want to puke. (I love this opening, as I mentioned there is confidence in writing this poem with its meaning in entirety, yet real, genuine self doubt in this line. I get how one can feel both!)
It's necessary if you want to play, (you seem more serious than playing! But I get the imagery, "say" would be another obvious rhyme you could use to get across your frustration at wanting to be heard and understood, rather than just basic attention as play suggests?)
cause even venues have to get their pay, (is this about music or spoken word? Venues don't make money from spoken word anyway! Just drinks, friends and general custom)
and I don't want to say my shit's a fluke.
But I don't want to say I'm freaking great, (not a fan of freaking great... I think if you are intent on keeping within form you need to come up with something more aesthetically and audibly pleasing? Perhaps I'm old fashioned).
a narcissistic prick hey look at me, (do you have people in mind here? Attack them not yourself?
cause then how could I make you want to see?
Of course I'll play for free just pick a date.

I'll change my name and alter my attire.
I'll even change my whole musical style. (I read this and prior line awkwardly)
Then each of me can take over a while, (love "each of me")
until the time I finally retire,
in order to promote each other's game
and circumvent that ever present shame...

First draft I liked, but I thought you took on this form without enough willingness to deform, considering your style and subject matter (I actually read this after your excellent critique of one of a poem I posted where you seemed a bit undecided on my sudden destruction of meter at times!). Perfectly metered sonnets were great in the 19th century, are great if you are addressing some broad romance, are fitting if you are using beautifully and carefully constructed sentences with multiple sonic techniques in every line. But both of these drafts (more so the second, in my opinion stronger one) are colloquial at times, fittingly so considering subject matter- which I understand to be a distant confidence in your words that doesn't always overcome doubt.

I also see a very polite approach to a lot of feeling in this. It gives me the understanding that you are not a fan of how things are in terms of spreading your words/work, and perhaps believe that people (without your talent) are on a pedestal or on display due to them being pushy or overconfident rather than talented.

Yet the poem's existence in itself demonstrates a degree of self belief. 






Original



Self promotion makes me want to puke.
A necessary notion but disgrace
in case egos shun sharing, saving face
emaciates emotions each rebuke.
A fluke of creativity entails
that sales of quality's just blowing smoke.
Provoking folks won't remedy what's broke.
The joke is insecurity prevails.
I'll spell in cursive if you think it's lame,
anointing all my lines with genius' stamp,
and trample foes who want to hog the lamp,
then cramp their style in a shameless frame.
Proclaim: "you came to play the game of fame
and tame the flame that shames all names the same!"

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