10-23-2016, 05:06 PM
I was really really moved by your poem. Mostly because I've been actively involved with problems of identity and sex. I think what Todd has said is apt, however for me, personally, this pure raw form of the poem holds the greatest meaning to me. I would be able to tell if a poem has been workshopped over years and years but frankly I believe this poem is such an amazingly apt description of the problems that this part of our community faces. It is just very clean and I really enjoyed that. I would just have one suggestion, in the line -
"Chemicals and hormone pills" - it could be made clearer and sharper such as "Shots and pills," or something of that nature as to not complicate the line and keep the power.
This is completely my personal opinion as someone who is deep into exactly what youre speaking of. I loved the title. People may not agree with me, but I feel that even if this may not be the best version of this poem, it is the true version.
"Chemicals and hormone pills" - it could be made clearer and sharper such as "Shots and pills," or something of that nature as to not complicate the line and keep the power.
This is completely my personal opinion as someone who is deep into exactly what youre speaking of. I loved the title. People may not agree with me, but I feel that even if this may not be the best version of this poem, it is the true version.
We hold the world but as the world, is it what we see?