10-22-2016, 05:36 PM
(09-13-2016, 05:09 AM)DJesters Wrote: Those luscious, golden locks on high
Like water drops fall from the sky
And dare to snare a prideful beast, - Now with this line I can see why you would refer to a "beast" as it is quite a classic reference, however I believe in the scenario of your poem, using a beast as a metaphor doesnt quite do the trick as instead of it showing sympathy towards the man it shows a kind of evil vibe which is contradictory to your use of "vines" and "tendrils" and your reference to restraints through looks etc. I would suggest changing the wording there. Restraining use of metaphor is sometimes the better way to go.
For such tendrils is no feat.
Sweet to touch and soft to feel;
One has never felt so real I feel like this line takes away from the poem, it breaks the flow and is quite vague as to what its referring to, the hair or love or what
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain.
Until the surface, struck by rock,
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me,
And leave my soul to wander free.
First, I'd just like to say that even if you are writing a poem that is formatted in a somewhat archaic manner(this is not meant to be detrimental), by which I mean that its written in a phrasing resembling medieval poetry, it is ABSOLUTELY not a necessity to caps every line. Its an archaic formatting that was related to typesetting. Schools and all use similar poems so it is seems as though it is a necessity/the right thing to do however it makes it confusing for the reader and kills the punctuation. That would be something worth editing out.
Overall, Ive mentioned some things that I did not enjoy in the poem as mentioned in the quote above, however overall it was a decent experience and pleasant to read. i agree with the criticisms of CRNDLSM, his advice and questions regarding wording are very pertinent.
I hope I helped.
We hold the world but as the world, is it what we see?