10-22-2016, 05:19 PM
Enjoyed the poem, lighthearted yet true to the heart.
In terms of lines I just felt that the poem lost me somewhere in the middle but then definitely picked it back up in the end, ill put them down -
we glide by light of memory
as midnight thirst stirs you awake
our worlds collide - now i can see what youre trying to say here, but I think its losing the meaning of the first few stanzas. Youre talking of how the roaches are there in the walls and the crumbs etc, and then saying that the roaches and we collide purely at midnight, now this I can see that youre saying its our head on collision, however the wording actually threw off the little light hearted tone, and "worlds colliding" made it seem dooming if you understand what I mean. Now that may be your intention, if so, great.
Now I SERIOUSLY enjoyed this stanza -
black safe zone raid
light switch terror scatter
splatter water glass shatter
chase
escape
wriggle into corridors of baseboards
byways through space - Great job on the format and wording, really enjoyed it.
In terms of lines I just felt that the poem lost me somewhere in the middle but then definitely picked it back up in the end, ill put them down -
we glide by light of memory
as midnight thirst stirs you awake
our worlds collide - now i can see what youre trying to say here, but I think its losing the meaning of the first few stanzas. Youre talking of how the roaches are there in the walls and the crumbs etc, and then saying that the roaches and we collide purely at midnight, now this I can see that youre saying its our head on collision, however the wording actually threw off the little light hearted tone, and "worlds colliding" made it seem dooming if you understand what I mean. Now that may be your intention, if so, great.
Now I SERIOUSLY enjoyed this stanza -
black safe zone raid
light switch terror scatter
splatter water glass shatter
chase
escape
wriggle into corridors of baseboards
byways through space - Great job on the format and wording, really enjoyed it.
We hold the world but as the world, is it what we see?