-iso EDIT 1
#4
(10-22-2016, 02:55 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  Self promotion makes me want to puke.
A necessary notion but disgrace
in case egos shun sharing, saving face .... self promotion is a disgrace in case people stop sharing? 
emaciates emotions each rebuke. ....saving face leads to emotions being emaciated at each rebuke? I don't follow your train of thought here.
A fluke of creativity entails
that sales of quality's just blowing smoke.  ....get the general idea, but can't decipher this line otherwise
Provoking folks won't remedy what's broke.  ....A lucid statement. But L2 to L6 are so convoluted, I don't know if you're summarising what you've already said, or saying something new.
The joke is insecurity prevails.
I'll spell in cursive if you think it's lame, 
anointing all my lines with genius' stamp,  ....how does spelling in cursive anoint the lines etc.? I also don't see how a stamp can anoint, looking at the literal meaning of the word
and trample foes who want to hog the lamp,  
then cramp their style in a shameless frame.  .... what's a 'shameless frame' supposed to mean? It's just one more dense metaphor tossed in there.
Proclaim: "you came to play the game of fame
and tame the flame that shames all names the same!"  ....trying too hard. does a flame shame? yes, if everyone is naked. but then would they want to hog the lamp? this flame and that lamp - why is the metaphor continuously shifting?
Hi Crndl - it's great to attempt a formal structure, but in this instance I think it's very hard to follow a coherent train of thought, basically because the sentence structure is quite convoluted and appears to exist only to justify the end rhymes.
On the positive side, the lines read smoothly.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Messages In This Thread
-iso EDIT 1 - by CRNDLSM - 10-22-2016, 02:55 AM
RE: -iso (my first sonnet, probly only sonnet) - by Achebe - 10-22-2016, 07:37 AM
RE: -iso EDIT 1 - by rollingbrianjones - 10-23-2016, 12:43 PM
RE: -iso EDIT 1 - by CRNDLSM - 10-24-2016, 02:25 AM
RE: -iso EDIT 1 - by rollingbrianjones - 11-12-2016, 10:16 AM



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