Skeleton On The Sea Floor -- revision

[Lizzie]

Her  bones appeared one day, fused to the seabed,
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions, 
ribs reaching up in wonderment. The weight 
of the water fell over her face like a blanket as she slept, 
convincing her mind to keep dreaming 
and lungs to surrender.

She just appeared there one day,
a woman of thirty-five, feet strapped
into sensible heels, and settled
behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

Her skeleton just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed, as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress or decomposes into couch cushions. Half her bones already lay concealed in the silt, like puzzle pieces disappear down the sides of a chair or underneath a love seat. Her breastbone shattered from the ocean's pressure, leaving her ribs to reach up in wonderment at its absence. The weight of the water fell over her face like a thick blanket as she slept, convincing her mind to keep dreaming and her lungs to surrender. She just appeared there one day, a woman of thirty-five, feet strapped into sensible brown heels, and settled behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids, unable to breathe.

It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender.
It just appeared there one day, like a woman
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels,
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

?

>< :*

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I think this edit does a lot to clarify your meaning. Breaking into two stanzas makes it easier to create the parallels required to make the poem work.

Thanks for coming back to it, Deathstar. I agree about the stanza break.

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I like it.  but I would drop the capitalization. it tends to distract.

also there is a mixed metaphor of someone underwater with someone on a couch/mattress. maybe a line to link the two metaphors?

I love this line: "Half her bones already lay concealed in the silt, 

like puzzle pieces disappear down the sides of a chair" - very haunting

maybe add another line: tumbling like shells into the deep abyss (I know that's a bit cliche, but just an idea).

Matthew

Welcome to the site, Matthew! Thanks for the read and for offering up some ideas. It's been pared back to the basics for now so that I can get the voice back under control, and then I'll see about adding other elements in. Thanks for letting me know what you liked and didn't like about it, that's helpful.