Their Mouths Are Ten Too Many

[Bueller]

edit 2


Billy boy rips what's left inside
and runs to town
run by inbred scumbags, chavs, and slags
clinging to pubs and clubs -Dropping desperately from this line was a good move.
and exhausted applause,
like rats to a corpse—trying not to sink into the abyss
of a self that just isn't there, anymore—
drinking themselves anonymous
and fucking each other again and again and again --Just repeating a bland word is not serving you well. Find one or two good words to convey that idea of endless repetition.
in an endless cycle of self-defeat
to defeat _______________ are left inside. 

While I think that this ending is better than the first one, you can do better. Because it comes at the end of the poem, the long space looks like you gave up on finding the right words or got bored, and that makes the poem hard to take seriously.

I like the grittiness of it. You could do a lot more to expand on the rat/corpse image, and that would only increase my liking for the poem.

Thanks for the read.

Luke