10-20-2016, 01:10 PM
I assume the Wordsworth reference at the start is obviously deliberate. Which to me exonerates the first two lines from just about all criticism seen above, I feel quite a few ppl miss your point. Wordsworth's nature was sublime, yet some human words can defeat it all in an instant.
The simple message is conveyed, well, simply. I think you can give nature a bit more presence, appreciation and beauty in the words you choose throughout. The more beautiful your nature is described to be, the more impact your final notion has. Work on aggrandising nature's beauty, perhaps aesthetically rather than some stately trees and smells.
I'd post ideas if not using a mobile phone...not that I feel you'd need them really. You just need to strengthen nature to give your end message the power it deserves. Not sure if this poem was written with anyone in mind but again a personal human voice may strengthen ending.
Also totally agree with all.on repetition of thrilled.... I'm not a fan of it to start with but twice!
Nothing wrong with rhyme either- just try to make them less obvious and play around a bit. It is an art form after all.
The simple message is conveyed, well, simply. I think you can give nature a bit more presence, appreciation and beauty in the words you choose throughout. The more beautiful your nature is described to be, the more impact your final notion has. Work on aggrandising nature's beauty, perhaps aesthetically rather than some stately trees and smells.
I'd post ideas if not using a mobile phone...not that I feel you'd need them really. You just need to strengthen nature to give your end message the power it deserves. Not sure if this poem was written with anyone in mind but again a personal human voice may strengthen ending.
Also totally agree with all.on repetition of thrilled.... I'm not a fan of it to start with but twice!
Nothing wrong with rhyme either- just try to make them less obvious and play around a bit. It is an art form after all.