10-18-2016, 06:58 PM
Thanks for the much-needed feedback! I suppose it's shifting from warning to lament, or really a rant. The audience should be a general audience -- rather, a general 18th century audience -- and it seems to have mutated from being concerned with lambs separating from the flock, to lambs, specifically those considered "foolish" or "schizophrenic", being separated from the flock. Wrestling with this is getting hard -- but anyway, responses, now unaccompanied by an edit.
L1 -- @lizziep, that is to say, at least in version 2, that use the few as sacrifices or lures all you want, the tigers will still attack you.
L2 -- @lizziep, @Achebe, and so that seemingly superfluous, although perhaps truly superfluous, line
L3 -- @Achebe, good point, now with the whole "burning beasts" thing. Will think of something -- and I feel more to removing burning instead of fearful, fearful symmetry is just such a pretty phrase.
L5 -- @lizziep, I'm trying to keep the breath uniform; earlier, unwritten versions didn't have them, but then felt too short, out of place. Perhaps I'll retry in the next draft.
L7 -- @Achebe, that is to say, when they hear the tigers eat they comrade, they go the exact opposite direction, where the other tigers lie in wait. Elaborating on this in the poem could help cut out a lot of the superfluous stuff....
L10 -- @Achebe, now I get it. Will think of something for the whole gyre thing.
L12 -- @lizziep, that is to say, the wethers think the poets among the flock would make better fodder for the lions than artists.
L14 -- @lizziep, @Achebe, so, uh, yeah. "True art" is definitely almost comically vague, and now I too am scratching my head on this -- not because I don't understand this, but because I understand this so well I can't think of the right approach to make this, well, understandable.
On y'all's conclusions -- @lizziep, and technically, only the thread is titled "The Bard's Something", the current version is, due to that same confusion, untitled. Again, thanks to you both for the critique!
L1 -- @lizziep, that is to say, at least in version 2, that use the few as sacrifices or lures all you want, the tigers will still attack you.
L2 -- @lizziep, @Achebe, and so that seemingly superfluous, although perhaps truly superfluous, line
L3 -- @Achebe, good point, now with the whole "burning beasts" thing. Will think of something -- and I feel more to removing burning instead of fearful, fearful symmetry is just such a pretty phrase.
L5 -- @lizziep, I'm trying to keep the breath uniform; earlier, unwritten versions didn't have them, but then felt too short, out of place. Perhaps I'll retry in the next draft.
L7 -- @Achebe, that is to say, when they hear the tigers eat they comrade, they go the exact opposite direction, where the other tigers lie in wait. Elaborating on this in the poem could help cut out a lot of the superfluous stuff....
L10 -- @Achebe, now I get it. Will think of something for the whole gyre thing.
L12 -- @lizziep, that is to say, the wethers think the poets among the flock would make better fodder for the lions than artists.
L14 -- @lizziep, @Achebe, so, uh, yeah. "True art" is definitely almost comically vague, and now I too am scratching my head on this -- not because I don't understand this, but because I understand this so well I can't think of the right approach to make this, well, understandable.
On y'all's conclusions -- @lizziep, and technically, only the thread is titled "The Bard's Something", the current version is, due to that same confusion, untitled. Again, thanks to you both for the critique!