10-18-2016, 08:00 AM
When I first read this I enjoyed it and little of which to complain.
However as this is in the serious forum I knew I must critique and so critique I did. I am still uncertain of the value. Take it as you will.
dale
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Bowl could be pate to make it more explicit, but I really have no problem with bowl as it gives the line a wider scope. Grammar is not my forte as you know, but it seems in L2 "understanding" should be "understandings" instead.
The lone and level sands that fill the bowl of human understandings do not shift.
sands and understandings seem to need to balance out. ???
"Our pride has no horizons, and our goal is lasting glory;"
No comma before "and" and the line could do without "and" entirely. Of course it is there to make the meter work, but you would not allow for that today.
I think this whole section needs a hard stop somewhere as it leaves me breathless.
"Our pride has no horizons, and our goal
is lasting glory; to this world we gift
such splendid dreams – but who is to recall
where once we trod, for footsteps always fade
and parchment rots to dust while pillars fall."
To tell you the truth, I don't get the idea of this next section.
"Mortality becomes a beggar’s trade,
yet were our lives not hemmed by earthly thread
would inspiration take that vital turn?"
There is a sort of dissonance here. This section is preceded by deprecating the worth of human mental production, but then we find that death is the price we must pay for this heretofore dross metal.
In the end the cynic appears to transform into a true believer.
However as this is in the serious forum I knew I must critique and so critique I did. I am still uncertain of the value. Take it as you will.
dale
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Bowl could be pate to make it more explicit, but I really have no problem with bowl as it gives the line a wider scope. Grammar is not my forte as you know, but it seems in L2 "understanding" should be "understandings" instead.
The lone and level sands that fill the bowl of human understandings do not shift.
sands and understandings seem to need to balance out. ???
"Our pride has no horizons, and our goal is lasting glory;"
No comma before "and" and the line could do without "and" entirely. Of course it is there to make the meter work, but you would not allow for that today.
I think this whole section needs a hard stop somewhere as it leaves me breathless.
"Our pride has no horizons, and our goal
is lasting glory; to this world we gift
such splendid dreams – but who is to recall
where once we trod, for footsteps always fade
and parchment rots to dust while pillars fall."
To tell you the truth, I don't get the idea of this next section.
"Mortality becomes a beggar’s trade,
yet were our lives not hemmed by earthly thread
would inspiration take that vital turn?"
There is a sort of dissonance here. This section is preceded by deprecating the worth of human mental production, but then we find that death is the price we must pay for this heretofore dross metal.
In the end the cynic appears to transform into a true believer.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.