The Bard's Something, edit 1: Achebe, kolemath

[Lizzie]

River, can I ask a question? Who's your intended audience? I think I could probably be of more help if I knew the purpose of the piece, to lament or persuade? Warn of danger? Judge the unrighteous?

I ask because it sounds....I don't know how to say this, but almost like a sermon, except the sermons that I'm accustomed to involve clear statements about 'this is what's going wrong, and this is what we need to do about it.' I'm not quite with you on either of those elements yet, although the revision is moving in the direction of clarity.

I have a couple of line notes, but I'm curious about your vision for the work.

It is no lamb but lambs that draw the tiger, -- I'm with kole that it's confusing to say that a lone lamb doesn't draw a tiger. What point are you trying to make with the number differential of the lambs? Surely lambs in any quantity would draw all kinds of different predators? Am I being too factual, perhaps? Ok, I'll just go with it. 
say foolish ewe or schizophrenic ram -- If this is a cautionary tale about straying from the flock or about the need for faith, I don't think it makes much sense to pull in notions of mental illness, since schizophrenia can't be helped. Again, this is where it would be helpful for me to know what point you're trying to make.
the burning beast whose fearful symmetry
strikes awful dread even in pastors' eyes
spots then stalks then pounces on those alone -- I don't love the two then's
and by his sounds of feasting draws the flock
toward his fellow cats. Now caution reaps -- caution reaping murder sounds so strange to me, perhaps because murder is so active and caution more passive. Perhaps caution reaps death, decay, disorderliness -- those sound more like the natural consequences associated with the failure to engage.
murder like courage to speak, light to see,
how times have changed: as lions wait for death
and falcons gyre, tigers gather in packs
and wethers peel the poets from the flock,
guessing them better eucharist than eyes. -- I'm just so lost. I can't agree or disagree. I could apply these images to something of my own choosing, but what would be the value in that?
When shall God's fear revive the slouching pride,
true art return and mend a nation's mind? -- 'true art?' A vaguer statement more open to misinterpretation I've never seen.

I also love the audacity of naming it "The Bard's Something" I suspect that we're together in our confusion about this piece.

It does read well, though. You have such obvious talent, I just think you need to be clearer with yourself about your intentions for it all to come together.

The Bard's Warning


It is no lamb but lambs that draw the cat
whose fearful symmetry strikes awful dread
even in our Lord's eyes -- as if your course,
aloof and distant from the flock, should grant
security. It is no lamb -- the tiger
spots then stalks then pounces on those alone
and by his sounds of feasting draws the flock
toward his fellow hunters. Times have changed:
as lions wait for death and falcons gyre,
tigers gather in flocks and lambs divide.
When shall God's fear revive the slouching pride?
When shall new verse thus well-considered mend
a nation's mind -- and ill-considered, lead
to overthrow of slaughter, haste, and greed?