10-17-2016, 07:00 AM
Hi zorcas! I'm sure any suggestions I make are a matter of taste. But I am a big fan of rhyme as well.
(10-17-2016, 12:52 AM)zorcas Wrote:I think it's appropriately titled and has potential to be universally appreciated, but I think each sentence could have more impact with sone adjustment. Thanks for sharing!
No matter how much nature thrills first line sets the mood and rhthym
with a host of golden daffodils, id rewrite one of these first two to match each other rhythmically since they share the rhyme too. Probly the first one since it's less thrilling, and I think you say thrill later. Lots of other Rhymes you could substitute.
or a poet’s being can subtly seize
the loveliness of stately trees,these two lines work for me rhythmically, although loveliness doesn't seem to match stately with a generic 'poet' the subject
or the scent of clematis, the smell of clover,
when at last our nature walk is over,I've personally been tempted to use these Rhymes but crimson and clover killed it for me. I like how you address specific smells, I don't know clematis and appreciate wanting to look it up. I think nature walk is a little too obvious, maybe enhance more surrounding imagery.
hearing the unseen bird’s last trill,I see its the last because the walk is over
then hearing life’s far greater thrillbut you lose me here, particularly with repeating thrill.
that, against nature’s best
is often our choice:I think it's a good idea to cut the lines short here to address your final sentiment, but the sentence 'against nature's best is often our choice' is too hard to hold it together structurally
the friendly sound of a human voice.I think choice and voice are overused Rhymes as well, not to deter from your intentions, I also can't say the friendly sound is 'thrilling'
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches

