10-16-2016, 11:31 PM
As mentioned^, am now on my computer, and only as this was my first post, I'll give a brief explanation (largely as I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply). As I previously said, the feedback showed me it is too self involved. Almost a language exercise to portray a v personal experience, to the point the reader will not get it (not that I always believe poems should be straight meaning and not ambiguous) and reading it back after the v useful critique I pretty much immediately realised this.
Paralytically Metaphoric About The Negativity of An Ever Favoured Face.
I'm sometimes one for long accurate titles. Para met was the state in which it was written. The negativity of the ever favoured face is a woman that I still believe was the "one" (cringe). She asked me to go a birthday and not drink to prove to her that it wasn't an issue, but when she arrived I had a drink in each hand- and the look she gave me haunts me to this day. Hence neg of a ever favoured face.
Tempestuous twining embarked, now I turn
To such wining, then whining; my soul will not learn, these lines are meant to give the impression of thrashing between boozing and not wanting to.
And I scream for reform, but my heart wills me not,
Whilst my mind laughs and cries at its morals, forgot. these two lines are emphasising not wanting to do it, but eventually I always do
Alas not to sleep, act directed as told. she told me not to drink...
But to break, to mutate to this monstrous behold, drunkenness- the monstrous behold is her seeing me like that
Which she retinally claws with both fear and contempt, retinally claws, is her looking
‘Fore appeasing my rants with her tears often spent
For I. She cannot really spend her hours
In ardent towers of lovers stained with blood, stained in blood, metaphorically, after what's happened
Or flood my green with flowers of trust and love
Whence with such strength she’s made a stand, and stood. These last 5 lines are a massive, disbelieving whinge, thinking that perhaps things ended because once she gave a no drink ultimatum which I failed there's no going back for her as she was proud, and 100 times a better person than I. Think I got carried away just wanting to write a pretty ending tbh.
First person/third person - First person voice is the writer, "she" is talking about the woman. BUT I'VE COMPLETELY REALISED HOW UNCLEAR HOW THE "SHE" OF THE POEM FITS IN (TO A READER IGNORANT OF THE S May try tinkering to make the situation more obvious.
Anyway hope that clears some things! As I said, only explained just to perhaps give some insight won't make habit of it
Thanks again
Paralytically Metaphoric About The Negativity of An Ever Favoured Face.
I'm sometimes one for long accurate titles. Para met was the state in which it was written. The negativity of the ever favoured face is a woman that I still believe was the "one" (cringe). She asked me to go a birthday and not drink to prove to her that it wasn't an issue, but when she arrived I had a drink in each hand- and the look she gave me haunts me to this day. Hence neg of a ever favoured face.
Tempestuous twining embarked, now I turn
To such wining, then whining; my soul will not learn, these lines are meant to give the impression of thrashing between boozing and not wanting to.
And I scream for reform, but my heart wills me not,
Whilst my mind laughs and cries at its morals, forgot. these two lines are emphasising not wanting to do it, but eventually I always do
Alas not to sleep, act directed as told. she told me not to drink...
But to break, to mutate to this monstrous behold, drunkenness- the monstrous behold is her seeing me like that
Which she retinally claws with both fear and contempt, retinally claws, is her looking
‘Fore appeasing my rants with her tears often spent
For I. She cannot really spend her hours
In ardent towers of lovers stained with blood, stained in blood, metaphorically, after what's happened
Or flood my green with flowers of trust and love
Whence with such strength she’s made a stand, and stood. These last 5 lines are a massive, disbelieving whinge, thinking that perhaps things ended because once she gave a no drink ultimatum which I failed there's no going back for her as she was proud, and 100 times a better person than I. Think I got carried away just wanting to write a pretty ending tbh.
First person/third person - First person voice is the writer, "she" is talking about the woman. BUT I'VE COMPLETELY REALISED HOW UNCLEAR HOW THE "SHE" OF THE POEM FITS IN (TO A READER IGNORANT OF THE S May try tinkering to make the situation more obvious.
Anyway hope that clears some things! As I said, only explained just to perhaps give some insight won't make habit of it
Thanks again