10-16-2016, 10:47 PM
Personally, I enjoyed the asperse nature of this poem. Certainly amused me, and I certainly grabbed the meaning. There was once a time (Restoration period especially) where poetry was often a weapon to attack trends of the time, other poets and their choice of style.
It's relevant... especially these days. But sort out the last four lines!
They don't really continue the rhythm of the rest and I feel if you're going to write something like this you shouldn't hold back, which I felt, after enjoying the rest of it considerably, the ending does. Have a proper dig. If you are going on the attack, end strong, leave the reader with a punch in the mouth.
Also, from reading comments above, I've never seen pop song lyrics with 4 "orious" endings that rolled off the tongue so easily- to me that's definitely poetry not pop. Think you received a few harsh comments on a simple poem conveying a simple (and imo relevant to the present day) message. Maybe such comments will inspire you to continue in this fashion with less reserve...
You can improve it with less bland observation and a more wit. A poem like this, if to appeal to those that do NOT share your sentiment, must convince them through witty retorts and perhaps a more colourful description of what you're getting at. Wit is everything in this sort of piece.
Also, if you feel this way, I'd not be put off by comments etc. I mean, yeah you might come across arrogant, but no more arrogant than an assured critic.
Just work on it. More "artistic" language use, more wit, chuck in some humour and you're there.
RBJ
It's relevant... especially these days. But sort out the last four lines!
They don't really continue the rhythm of the rest and I feel if you're going to write something like this you shouldn't hold back, which I felt, after enjoying the rest of it considerably, the ending does. Have a proper dig. If you are going on the attack, end strong, leave the reader with a punch in the mouth.
Also, from reading comments above, I've never seen pop song lyrics with 4 "orious" endings that rolled off the tongue so easily- to me that's definitely poetry not pop. Think you received a few harsh comments on a simple poem conveying a simple (and imo relevant to the present day) message. Maybe such comments will inspire you to continue in this fashion with less reserve...
You can improve it with less bland observation and a more wit. A poem like this, if to appeal to those that do NOT share your sentiment, must convince them through witty retorts and perhaps a more colourful description of what you're getting at. Wit is everything in this sort of piece.
Also, if you feel this way, I'd not be put off by comments etc. I mean, yeah you might come across arrogant, but no more arrogant than an assured critic.
Just work on it. More "artistic" language use, more wit, chuck in some humour and you're there.
RBJ