10-14-2016, 08:24 PM
Ooh, and with your avatar it feels ----- even wetter. I agree with jm, in the sense that the fourth stanza doesn't really work for me, but for a slightly different reason -- I don't really mind having a quiescent entity, it feels unobtrusive enough, but what does feel intrusive is that movement, which should itself be another scene, I think. Leaves lying heavy, leaves only posing, not dancing or bumping or even merely baring, and then suddenly leaves dropping -- with the thought of the stanza's later lines still focusing on that calm, that stillness, that quiesence-ss, it feels like a stone plopping into my eye. As well, perhaps the description of that movement too, plucking petals from a daisy is, from a botanical perspective, too similar to leaves being "plucked" off of branches ---- oh, and *most* importantly, on lines four and five, its instead of it's.