(10-13-2016, 10:03 AM)rowens Wrote: Have you read James Dickey? Somebody's always holding on to somebody by somebody's something. The rhyme sets up a progression of whos that never gets away from being related. Rhymes in relation. It makes your head hurt or you sick.This comment is hilarious. Although 'somebody's always holding onto somebody's something' I'm not familiar with the quote, and those aren't just the same rhyme, but the same word even. Reminds me of a beck song 'Something always missing always Someone missing something'.
I can see the relation to James dickeys deliverance, if you mistake the my baby's baby portion as backwoods hillbilly inbreeding... if it makes you sick, consider it an alternative form of birth control
(10-13-2016, 04:32 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Man, this read like a fun Outkast song for me -- liked it. Hate the sudden enlargement of words in the middle though, as that only served to distract. Also bits on the punctuation and junk: rather, "But I love my baby," for the first stanza; "whether girl or boy" and that "I love" again for the second; "Starting with a stain from a sticky condiment," and again, "But I love" for the third; "baby's my baby, too." for the refrain; "to get someone else to clean up your dung" doesn't sound right, maybe just "won't call CPS for this child's abuse, / for cleaning up your dung."; perhaps "I love you, baby, / and I'm watching my tongue / because as you get taller, each dollar gets smaller / and there's no leash and collar when you're finally a crawler."; "...once I've collapsed a lung, / shouting,", and even move "I love you baby" to the earlier stanza. Still, nice work.Woops on the font change, punctuation sucks!!! But essential, the dung and lung Rhymes were forced but I think theyre funny anyway. I'm watching my tongue. Like saying 'I'm sick of cleaning up your literal shit!' Cps will take you away and I won't have to worry about it. Terrible, but so are children...
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