10-13-2016, 03:09 PM
I used Leviathan as the title with the intent of tying this to an earlier piece, it seems I'm obsessed with connecting everything I write: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-17860.html A sort of reversal, this being a toned down, *objective* view on the same deluge -- to further clarify, that Hobbes refers to his beloved despot as a "mortal god" at one point. I'm not sure if that context will make this any better, though -- I wholly agree that this is quite pedestrian.
I'd read a book on haiku (don't remember the title, but it was real nice) that generally prescribed the 5-7-5 thing (as well as rhyming the first and last lines, but good grief that's almost impossible -- how his translations of Basho and whatever did so still bewilders me), so my attempt to follow that (with the 4-syllable lines being constructed to start-end the piece).
If the renewed context rectifies the piece, then I'll return to it with your more technical suggestions in mind -- the "in" of the second section, the removal of all those "ing"s (which I think is a problem in most all my writ-------pieces), and possibly a change in sonics for the second section, make those S's of the first flow to an actual halt. Thanks for all the feedback, and sorry for the late reply!
I'd read a book on haiku (don't remember the title, but it was real nice) that generally prescribed the 5-7-5 thing (as well as rhyming the first and last lines, but good grief that's almost impossible -- how his translations of Basho and whatever did so still bewilders me), so my attempt to follow that (with the 4-syllable lines being constructed to start-end the piece).
If the renewed context rectifies the piece, then I'll return to it with your more technical suggestions in mind -- the "in" of the second section, the removal of all those "ing"s (which I think is a problem in most all my writ-------pieces), and possibly a change in sonics for the second section, make those S's of the first flow to an actual halt. Thanks for all the feedback, and sorry for the late reply!