message from roachland

[Brownlie]

This poem has metamorphosed (is that the right way to use that word, idk).  I like the parts where its just about what the roaches are doing. Of course, I'll keep at it with my pruning. Your the chief of this thing, so obviously won't be offended if you ignore some suggestions here.

edit 1
you say I flatten 
myself but nothing is
two dimensional
you can't see -- I think these first four lines are not your strongest. Perhaps consider deleting.
the inside of your wall -- You could do your wall's insides. However sometimes the prepositions could be preferred.
you can’t see -- Not your strongest line consider deleting.
my scent trails like bread crumbs -- I'm a big fan of this line. I'd keep it. 
you can’t -- I'd delete. 
see my clan ahiss - ahiss = valiant effort. I still like hissing clan. sound justifies it for me. 
until the floor vibrations smooth -- This line is confusing.
and you awake with midnight thirst
to raid the safe zone of our black day -- prune this line. There're too many prepositions.
with electricity and newspaper swats -- Newspaper swats= great detail. Light switch I could take or leave
scattering us with newspaper swats -- the scattering with newspaper idea is great. i'd keep it but only mention it once.
back into corridors of baseboards - like this. 
byways through space before and after -- only need wallspace mentioned once in my opinion.
95% of species 
that 5% you’ll never squish -- This idea is cool, but I like the idea of a day in the life of roaches better. i.e. my scent trails like bread crumbs, you awake with midnight thirst to raid our day, scattering us with newspaper swats, back into the baseboards. etc.
 
 

 



first draft
you say I flatten myself
but what is two dimensional?
the other side of your wall
my hissing clan at rest
until the floor reverberations smooth
TV glow we know
corridors of baseboards
byways through this space before and after
95% of species
that 5% you miss