The L Word

[zorcas]

[quote='zorcas' pid='218381' dateline='1476205435']
                                                                                                      
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth,-- a lot of these full stops would probably work better as commas.  This is something of a list poem, and the full stops tend to give it a staccato that -- although it might fit with the rather animalistic sex in the initial part of the poem, tends toward cliche.
carnivorous wants cloaked
in anxious whispers,
familiar fluid moves. -- see, if they're fluid, you wouldn't have all these full stops.  A period is the last thing you need right now.
The asynchrony of two explosions,
a duet of gasps fading
to ragged breaths.
A repeat of expected rapture
but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her tightly. -- this is good use of italics, introducing a new and unexpected concept
He wanted this to never end.
This? No, her
a line for each of these words is not really necessary.  A colon after no would do the job, with her up on the same line.  
A new kind of explosion
rose from a whisper to a voice -- this is a very passionate line, I like it a lot
he never knew he had,
saying, while holding her happily,-- you need a comma after "happily"
words he’d never said before.
.
 

Hi Zorcas,

I find the spareness of the wording here to be effective in illustrating passion.  As I've noted, I do think some softening of the punctuation and perhaps joining together a few lines would not hurt.  The contrast between the two halves of the poem is evident without such obvious devices.  

Hope this helps.
[/quote]
Appreciate the comments and have applied them. Put the italics in assuming a signal was needed so readers wouldn't
quit what they thought was just another erotic poem.

---

[quote='zorcas' pid='218381' dateline='1476205435']
                                                                                                      
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. / I think you're allowed to call it "the fire's"
Carnivorous wants cloaked / this adjective is very clunky being 4syllables and not really fitting, does "desires" fit better than wants?
in anxious whispers. / this and the line prior could use rephrasing, it's an odd enjambed line.
Fluid familiar moves. / fluid is not a verb, "Familiar fluid moves" makes actual sense here.
The asynchrony of two explosions. Quite nice imagery, one of the better lines imo
A duet of gasps fading / ok, well something dosent fade to somethng more intense, consider a different word here, but duet fits well despite the issue that calling something two unsynchronised explosions then immediately a duet conflicts the imagery a bit.
to ragged breaths. nice imagery, neat
A repeat of expected rapture / repeat? have they had sex already? I dont see where this "repeat" happens.
but not expecting his arms / see line below
would keep holding her tightly./ these 3 lines are very clunky and dont make a strong impression as I assume was intended, maybe rephrase into somethng punchier and less drawn out, this dosent surprise the reader as much as it bores them. For example, removing tightly makes little to no difference in the narrative and if omissed leaves the reader to illustrate the grasp, etc.
He wanted this to never end. / "He never wanted this to end." sounds cleaner
This? / see 2lines below
No. / see below
Her. / this dosent illustrate the mood as much as it bathetically undercuts it, these punchy enjambed lines only seem to punch themselves; coming across as cringey rather than the heartfelt passion you seek to demonstrate, consider revising
A new kind of explosion / this is taking the explosion metaphor a little too far, try reading this outloud and seeing if you are engaged or disengaged by this clunky throwback and reinvention of an explosion. It also makes no sense whatsoever. Consider revising.
rose from a whisper to a voice / yeah, I do not see what impression you're trying to leave, the difference between whispering and speaking isnt very much and whispering usually is more dramatic, consider removing.
he never knew he had, / this line and the two before it could be removed as ridiculous waffle and the poem would only be strengthened. Also I am SURE that he knew that aside from the bedroom he could stop "whisper(ing) and start speaking normally.
saying, while holding her happily / put a comma in after "happily" and change "happily" to a less naf word if feeling is meant to be conveyed.
words he’d never said before. / he only decides he loves her after fucking her? an odd conclusion and dosent leave the reader with much other than confusion imo, consider rephrasing.
.
 

I feel like this poem, due to weak and strange phrasings, undercuts any weight or feeling that it could ever convey. Much revising needed but thanks for sharing, these changes are just my personal problems and I enjoyed the read. (also the title is astoundingly un-subtle)

"A repeat of expected..." signal that they have done this sort of thing before so his shift to love would have developed over time. Gasps.