Red Patent Shoes -- revision

[Achebe]

thanks for posting. some thoughts below.

A couple sat across the circle
from me. She reclined on his chest,
like he was a plush couch.
He draped his arms around her,
familiar blankets. ....I think you've developed the metaphor quite well, with the couch / blanket pairing. I can see his giant forearms, as it were.
She was like a lizard,
sheltered from a cold night
underneath sun-warmed stone ...I like the strong image that you've created here, though I would question whether a sun warmed stone retains its heat at night
and he was the only solid part of her. ...I think this is a superfluous line
She rarely spoke; he talked continuously. ...nice little detail that helps me picture the scene vividly

He said to me, "I noticed your shoes," ...I like how this dialogue, the only spoken piece in the poem, sits in the middle and acts as a transition from perfect couple to jealous partner. It's beautifully succinct.

and she pulled away,
rigid,
as if to acquire
a wider image
of a foreign object. ...I think this is a superfluous line
Then she squared
her shoulders at me ...I think this should be pulled up to the previous line, to make it longer and break the monotony of the preceding short, staccato lines
and remained that way,
like a meerkat
on guard. ...And meerkats do stand upright in that odd way. this is a great ending.

A man and woman sat across
from me. She reclined into him
like he was a plush couch,
warming herself in his cashmere arms,
a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on him,
he seemed to be the only solid part of her.
She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously.
When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes,"

and she pulled away
from him, rigid,
as if to acquire
a wider image
of a foreign object.
Then she leaned
toward me,
and remained that way,
like a meerkat
on guard.