10-11-2016, 12:45 AM
Hi Alic, let me give you some comments here.
I don't ever assume that the poet is always talking about themselves. It could just as easily be an adopted persona for the purpose of writing. I do that often and yet there are some poems that are decidedly personal--where the I of the poem is me. I suspect though that this might be one of your personal ones and the reason I think that is is that it exists too much at the surface level. Personal things tend to be harder to put into words and the subtext (where the poem actually lives) sits too far below the surface. This poem feels like there could be an emotional core but you have to dig for it. I could be wrong in the why we've come to this place. I just know that it happens to me quite a bit. I recently put a poem up that took years to write. There were a lot of false starts where I'd just make flat statements that held no power. I think that's what's largely going on here--even if the reason for it is different. Chrysalis is a neat idea for dealing with transformation and work the metaphor through the poem. This has potential. A few line comments below:
Best,
Todd
I don't ever assume that the poet is always talking about themselves. It could just as easily be an adopted persona for the purpose of writing. I do that often and yet there are some poems that are decidedly personal--where the I of the poem is me. I suspect though that this might be one of your personal ones and the reason I think that is is that it exists too much at the surface level. Personal things tend to be harder to put into words and the subtext (where the poem actually lives) sits too far below the surface. This poem feels like there could be an emotional core but you have to dig for it. I could be wrong in the why we've come to this place. I just know that it happens to me quite a bit. I recently put a poem up that took years to write. There were a lot of false starts where I'd just make flat statements that held no power. I think that's what's largely going on here--even if the reason for it is different. Chrysalis is a neat idea for dealing with transformation and work the metaphor through the poem. This has potential. A few line comments below:
(10-10-2016, 01:43 PM)Alic Elliot Wrote: Trapped--one word lines to open a poem are really weak. I'm not saying they can never work just that it doesn't work here. Find your best idea and express it here. Draw us in.The idea is worth exploring. I don't want to overdo my comments in mild. There's a lot more I could touch on but hopefully these comments help some.
In a body that is my own
But feels as if it is not--How could you show these ideas without just telling us? How could you demonstrate the truth of the ideas here? I'm NOT saying to do this but to illustrate: a caterpillar builds a cocoon you (the speaker of the poem) speaks of cloth binding breasts these are similar images. Does a caterpillar feel something inside them is wrong with their current state--blending something together and drawing out the metaphor more would be something to think about.
Wishing I could have chosen
For myself
Strange, that.
The appeal of one set of genitalia
Versus another, and how one
Could feel --all of this language feels so sterile and flat.
So
Very
Wrong
Chemicals, hormones
Building muscle, stretching bone
Cloth binding breasts
That will soon be gone
Would it be wrong
To compare this
To metamorphosis?
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson