CONSCIENCE OF GUILT

[dukealien]

CONSCIENCE OF GUILT


Last night as I rest in my sleep 
Through a dream I felt sand beneath my feet
In the distance stands a great throne made of ancient oak
Seated is a grey hair old Man
His feature where strong but his face was drawn

...

But I do wish in hope that his son shall remain 
in his Father kingdom where he shall be safe,
Why - Look around - we are still the same HUMAN RACE
Or are we --- Fact or Fiction.

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Welcome to critique (as subject rather than critic).

Your story is clear, and has an interesting twist:  sympathy for the Christ and his likely willingness to do the whole thing over despite the Father's plan.  Adducing disagreement within the Trinity is probalby some form of heresy, but a pretty mild one these days.  Taking a familiar plot in an unexpected direction shows inspiration.

Framing the story as a dream steps back a pace; perhaps that's a good idea, perhaps unnecessary.  It does help justify use of common symbols since the frame is from your subconscious.

Writing in the present tense, with some apparent grammatic errors ("grey hair old Man" instead of "grey haired" for example) emphasizes that this is a dream, constructing itself on the fly:  the viewpoint sees the grey hair first, then the old Man in full.  The same could be said for inversions ("their savior he becomes") which are somewhat frowned upon these days, but the sequence can be explained by the dream's stream of images and objects.

In a few places this seems to go a bit far - for example, "a animal" when most written and spoken English calls for "an."  I would gently suggest running through the poem and editing phrases like this that will distract most readers because they look so erroneous.

You make some very fine points - for example, always capitalizing the old Man but not the son or his attributes ("savior"), which carries through your (technically heretical) theme where the son is less than the Father.  The [S]on unwilling to bring on the Apocalypse is a particularly intriguing idea; so is the viewpoint hoping the son will remain in heaven for his own safety.

You have some good internal rhymes and, especially, alliteration.  I would, very lightly, suggest an edit following standard grammar and conversational word order without inversions, particularly when the old Man is speaking.   Try using those, plus past tense for most of the action, and see how you like it.  It's a long work and you put a lot of thought into it.

Thanks for the read!