10-09-2016, 10:27 AM
Hi Rogo, I've read this through several times over the last few days and keep returning, which is always a good sign. I find your assertion that this is a sonnet, and titling it only as the first of many without giving anything further away in the title, to be both brave and accurate -- this is lyrical, it has two distinct sections, it has a clear volta and there is a resolution of conflict (of sorts). In essence, it is a sonnet. I feel that the sparseness can be carried even further, particularly given that the main theme I get is one of the peculiar connected disconnection of the internet.
(10-07-2016, 05:36 AM)Rogo Wrote: Sonnet I
“I” “ebbing petal” “folds half-open” “against jet quiet” -- "against" jars for me. I wonder if dropping it would help? You don't really need a preposition as your use of quotation marks serves to keep these phrases discrete. The danger is that it would seem that the petal itself is quiet. "jet quiet [something]"? I do like the antithesis of jet/quiet.
“Am a body” “of parts” “amassed” “in living distances” -- using your quote marks to delineate is rather undermined by the grammatical structure of this line -- these are not discrete elements. My gut feeling is that you would be better served to make this a sonnet entirely composed of image flashes, shifts in emotion, changes in perspective etc rather than wasting words like "of" and "in". If you want to let the reader make his/her own punctuation, then let him/her decide on prepositions as well.
“Rejecting” “place, ceded” “ within this computer” “of stars”
“A face” “of faces, it blinks” -- this is far and away my favourite line. It leaves a clear, quite disturbing image of cold humanity.
It could be worse