Growing up in God's House -- revision

[Lizzie]

'I never stared directly . . . the air all around me'  hit me pretty good.  Have you ever had a hole in your heart that was crusting over, and then someone comes in with a spoon and just srapes all the crust off, leaving a fresh and somehow refreshing wound in the same place?  Pretty good . . .

I have had these wounds, yes. And I know the good/bad feeling of having them re-opened. I hope this one heals over a little more soundly this time.  ><

Thanks for letting me know which parts are working for you and for taking the time to read.

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Overall, lovelier! the cuts on the choir stanza and the isolation of the funnel clouds [cake] thing really bring the heat. Two new issues for me, though: the rhythm of the last four lines of the seventh stanza, the fragmentation of the clause feels a little uneasy (perhaps fuse the last two lines? or even just remove them); and the movement of the reader's mind-eye, it feels a little irregular (first two stanzas a general scan; the third, "kneel", and I look down; the fourth, fifth, and sixth, all along the piano, I look up and forward; the seventh, I look slightly higher up; and the last two, general scans, though now of the sky) -- though that second one, perhaps it would be cured with deeper analysis. Again, lovelier!

You know, I saw your funnel cake suggestion, and it just slipped my mind in the revision.

Can you say a little more about the kind of movement you WANT to see for the reader? More of a circle or up then down and back up?

Thanks for coming back to it River, and I'm glad some parts are working better. Thanks for your time and effort ><