10-07-2016, 10:44 PM
Overall, lovelier! the cuts on the choir stanza and the isolation of the funnel clouds [cake] thing really bring the heat. Two new issues for me, though: the rhythm of the last four lines of the seventh stanza, the fragmentation of the clause feels a little uneasy (perhaps fuse the last two lines? or even just remove them); and the movement of the reader's mind-eye, it feels a little irregular (first two stanzas a general scan; the third, "kneel", and I look down; the fourth, fifth, and sixth, all along the piano, I look up and forward; the seventh, I look slightly higher up; and the last two, general scans, though now of the sky) -- though that second one, perhaps it would be cured with deeper analysis. Again, lovelier!